And so we move on to 2013, and I am so ready. Of course there were many blessings, but 2012 was not my best year. Something about mourning on a monthly basis just isn't all that fun. But, in the middle of the struggle and grief, I have experienced God in ways I never would have without the pain. He has been faithful even through my confusion and anger towards Him. As challenging of a lesson as it is, I am slowly, and somewhat begrudgingly, learning to trust him in all of the areas of my life that I cannot control. And the older I get, the more I discover just how little control I actually have.
Nick and I talk on a regular basis about how we like who and what we are being made into, in spite of and because of our struggles. We are changed. We are different...very different than we were 4 years ago before things got hard. I'm not there yet. Pain and struggle can bring out an ugly, selfish side of me that I am not proud of, and sometimes I'm too absorbed in my own pain to see anything or anyone else. But, I can see who I will be when this is all said and done, who I am becoming, and I like her. There will be wounds that have healed and scars that remain, and I will be better and stronger for it.
So, I am looking forward to 2013. We have some new news on the fertility front (finally) that's hopefully hopeful, so I am cautiously optimistic about what this new year will bring. And even if this year does not bring a baby, I hope to find more joy in the many smaller blessings that God pours out on us.