Six months in, we were not pregnant. But, I felt like I needed to try to figure out what was wrong with my body. So, the testing began. That was the fun part...except it wasn't. All those tests showed that everything was perfect, and no one could figure out why we couldn't get pregnant. So, we gave ourselves until the end of the summer to get pregnant because that would put us at one year of trying to conceive (and three years of wanting to conceive) unsuccessfully. The end of August came, and when that last cycle failed, I didn't even cry. I was sick of the chronic grief that is infertility and ready to move on.
I poured myself into adoption. I finished our home study application, I read tons of adoption books, I made our adoption profile book. But not knowing what was wrong with me was still eating at me, and I honestly felt God telling me not to give up looking. So, I started researching. I scheduled an appointment with a fertility specialist. I wanted to have more blood work done for all my hormone levels. I kept reading about the thyroid and how it affects all your hormones. It was a long shot based on my lack of symptoms, but I decided I wanted it checked during the blood work too. My doctor wasn't even going to let me have it checked, but I insisted. She had my blood work sent to the fertility specialist so we could have the results at our appointment. We showed up to the appointment, and lo and behold, I have hypothyroidism. The doctor immediately prescribed me medication, told me to come back in a month to have it rechecked and that we could do insemination. We thought this sounded like a good plan (especially since insurance covers insemination....awesome!).
Within a week of taking the medicine, I could feel a difference. I started feeling like a totally new person. I went back for the blood test and my thyroid was pretty much down to the normal range. And now, the things that were going wrong with my body for the last two years are suddenly no longer a problem. So, we've figured it out! We should be able to get pregnant! Let's do insemination and speed up the process, right?!?
We waited for the next cycle to come so we could get started, but everything changed in that month of waiting. I knew what was wrong with my body. I knew that now we could get pregnant. But, suddenly my desire had shifted.
Somewhere along the way, I lost myself in the infertility. I tried so hard to be like everyone else...everyone who got pregnant so easily around me. I never lost my passion and conviction for adoption, but I became consumed by my lack, plagued by fears of being left on the outside.
The helplessness of our situation drove me to God. I had no control, and he had total control. I begged Him to give me what I wanted, the same thing he was giving to so many others, and he didn't. Instead, he gradually guided me to an answer, while being present with me in the pain. And along the way, He renewed my excitement and desire for adoption.
The honest truth is, I still don't really get it. I don't know why infertility is part of our story. I don't know why we've had to struggle for so long. And God still hasn't answered the question of why. But, we've found scripture to be true when it says our suffering produces perseverance and character and hope and that all things work together for our good. Not the egocentric "good" where we get God on our terms and our timing, but the sort of good where we find ourselves still called to God's purposes in the world.
I don't know what will happen with our fertility at this point. But what I do know is that God called us a long time ago to adoption, and it had absolutely nothing to do with infertility. And right now, even though we may have treated the cause of the infertility, God has made it abundantly clear that the time is right for us to take seriously his call to care for the orphan.
So, without further ado, I am thrilled to announce,
Adoption is God's heart, plain and simple. And regardless of whatever way we got here now, it's good, and humbling, and a privilege to step into the rhythms of God's love for the world through adoption.
"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."