Some people make the decision to adopt after coming to terms with the reality that they are not going to get pregnant. They shut that door and open the next. That's not me. I have not shut the door on a pregnancy, and I have no desire to shut that door at this point. We made the decision to adopt because it was something we always wanted to do. Because we wanted a break from the roller coaster of infertility. Because we wanted to be parents, and we were sick of waiting for it to happen to us. Because we believe that God loves adoption and calls his people to it.
But the reality is I still want to get pregnant.
I had a mini meltdown the other night. Nick was telling me some new fact he learned about pregnancy from some girls who are obviously not me. Something about it hurt, and it took me a minute to figure it out, but I did. He and I don't get to experience pregnancy together. I don't want him to learn about what it is like to be pregnant from other people. I want him to learn from our own experience.
Don't get me wrong. I am a mom now, and I am so grateful. I love our little guy so much it hurts, and I would not trade him for all the fertility in the world. Us not getting pregnant when we wanted to is the reason why he's ours now, so how can I not praise God for the infertility?
But adoption doesn't fix infertility. It doesn't take away the pain that my body won't work. It doesn't change the fact that I am still on the outside of the experience of the majority of women. It's not an issue of wanting a child of "our own". (Don't get me started on that little phrase-Silas is very much our own). It's an issue of my identity as a woman. When I am with other moms, I don't get to participate in the conversations they so often have about pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding. I am still an outsider.
We may pursue fertility treatment for our next child. We aren't there yet, but we are in discussions. We do not have moral qualms with most fertility treatment. Some people just have medical issues and need a little help. We seek help for other medical conditions, so this is no different. We do not know yet where we will draw the line as far as a stopping point goes. We aren't even at the starting point yet.
I've heard people say that infertility is God's way of calling people to adopt. That makes me really mad, especially since it is usually coming from people who have not dealt with infertility. People who get pregnant easily don't have more right to having biological children than people who deal with infertility, and people who deal with infertility do not have more of a responsibility to adopt than people who have biological children.
All that to say, infertility is a complicated thing. It slaps you in the face at the most unexpected times, and I'm still working my way through it. I pray that Nick and I will get to experience pregnancy and childbirth together someday, but since we don't know what the outcome of that prayer will be yet, we will just enjoy this parenting journey together. It's extra sweet after waiting so long for it.
Photo Credit: X&V Photography (first 4 photos from when Silas was 3 weeks old)