Sometime during those three months of confusion, Silas was conceived. In those three months, God began to knit my son together in another woman's womb. He had not abandoned me. He was creating the little life that would become mine, and He knew it. And, while I do not believe that God caused this conception to occur for my sake, I do believe that he intended Silas for us once he was conceived. So, he had to make me wait. And that meant withholding the "good feelings" I wanted him to give me.
God couldn't give me the feelings I wanted. He couldn't tell me to keep trying to get pregnant, because I wasn't going to. He couldn't tell me to move forward with adoption, because my son wasn't ready for us yet. I needed to wait, and I had no category for this. To me, God's silence meant abandonment. I couldn't fathom it meaning that God was preparing something far better than I could have imagined. But, that's exactly what he was doing. And when the time was right, God made it perfectly clear, and I was released from all the confusion and angst that I had experienced during that time. I was able to pour myself into the adoption process the way that I had wanted to all along.
I did not wait well, but God is gracious. My son is a daily reminder of that. And now, I look back on those three months, which were one of the lowest points of my life, with the deepest gratitude for what God was doing.
So, when God's not there, He really is. This is something that I still have to remind myself of now, as we sort through next steps in our infertility journey. But, waiting doesn't seem quite as scary to me now, because God is trustworthy, and I have seen that first hand.
*For some reason, I only seem to journal when things are hard. My poor children will probably find these journals when I die and think that their mother hated her life. I don't.